My Release

Having a Party

My youngest step daughter celebrated her birthday today. Because we have such a large yard now and the Michigan weather has been relatively warm and mild, we agreed to allow all the kids to have a fall party. SD2 celebrated her birthday, the older step-kids came down and seemed to really enjoy the break from home and all the fun with family and friends. My kids had a ball playing with their cousins and I must admit, I really enjoyed it myself.

Because MDH can often over drink and his attitude is so very unpredictable I am increasingly apprehensive of going anywhere public with him. I never know if it will end up to be a good time or a disasterous time and many of our associates (we don't have friends, friendships are very difficult to nourish when someone has a dual diagnosis, people don't understand their behavior) I usually opt out of going to parties, we have opted out so many times, we are rarely invited. This is hard because I am a deeply social person, but I am also a private person who doesn't want to have to make excuses for bad behavior. In the past MDH has gotten drunk and angry with whomever and turned on me. He has insulted me, left me at parties and treated me like dirt in front of whomever is there. This results in making us both look bad, but him particularly worse than me. I don't want pity, so I stay away. MDH of course gets drunk and leaves and goes anyway, not realizing or caring most people don't like or respect him for that and don't want his drama around.

In the case of our First gathering, he was well behaved. He didn't drink and I really think everyone had a wonderful time. Though I was apprehensive all day, I was easily able to relax and enjoy having family and friends around. Uncle Jimmy played Rockband with the kids, Grandma also played, SD2 cousins from her mom came and spent the weekend, it was just awesome all around.

Finding an Outlet

As the spouse to a person with a dual diagnosis, I know it is so incredibly important for me to have an outlet and something to call my own, a hobby, a passion a release. But, when my spouse is so sick, it can be next to impossible to achieve that.

I have a passion for photography, though I am not able often to nourish that passion. As of late I have been cleaning up so many messes that MDH has created. For alcoholics, this would be enabling, for dual diagnosis, I don't know what it is. I often think that if we didn't have children living in this chaos, then I would leave us both to drown in his messes. But as a mother, I have to make their lives as close to normal and peaceful as possible, so I clean up the mess.

His drinking is increasing and I am scared. The ISP officer does not strike me as a stupid woman, and I know at some point she is going to double check him. For now he waits to drink until she comes and leaves, then he is off to his happy place, in the garage with the stereo cranked. Though he is not drinking everyday as he once did, he is drinking weekly and on Probabtion and ISP that is too much!

But I have gotten off the subject of this post, which is to nurture yourself and find an outlet for yourself. Whatever the outlet, make sure you give yourself something to deflect from the chaos you live in everyday. Read, Write, Journal, Knit, Sing, Sew, Walk, Run, Photograph, Paint, it really doesn't matter, just do something for yourself. Give yourself your own happy place so that you can destress and reenergize to deal with the messes you are sure to have dumped on your lap.

Moved In

We have setteled into our new home. The move was quick and utterly chaotic. Once my husband makes a decision to "change", he throws everything in a truck and hauls it to the new place. Often stuff isn't boxed or organized, just bagged and thrown in the truck. I discovered my toilet bowl brush in with my dishes! YUCK!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting since this move and though I like this house, with it's hardwood flooring and unique doors, I am not comfortable with this move. MDH thinks that this move will fix everything and I am pretty sure it will not change a thing in our lives. I believe we have to change those things. I am utterly helpless to change them when he is living within a delusional bubble. I brought up his meds again and WHOA! was that a mistake.

The move isn't going to remove him from Probabtion or take him off ISP. This move is also not going to cure his need or desire to drink. Though he has been on probabion, he has snuck in a beer or two and I know that if this continues, he will end up in jail. But I am utterly helpless at the moment. I can see him and feel him spinning out of control, but I can't reach him.

To him this move (like the others) will make everything okay. Several years ago we moved away from our town and lived about an hour away. We were incredibly happy. Our lives were calm, serene and as close to perfect as you can get. MDH didn't drink a drop, he didn't desire too. He was incredibly involved in his family and with me. We enjoyed a lot of good times together, snowmobiling in winter, mudding in spring, all the kids were happy, except the oldest, she terribly missed her grandparents and cousins. We moved back and continued for a couple of years to enjoy the same style of life. MDH thinks that the move away was the salvation (which is why we move so much, he is constantly looking for that salvation), he doesn't realize that during those years he was so much more content as a result of being on his medication.

Our lives didn't begin to fall apart and he didn't begin drinking until months after he went off his meds (through no fault of his own, an insurance glitch and lack of a spare $1500 a month to cover his meds took him off). It was early spring 2006 when he stared drinking again, at the time he could have affordably gone back on his meds. As he began to internally spin out of control, he reached for a bottle instead of the phone and the doctor and he has been spinning since.

I can only pray at this point, something in the move helps to calm him and bring him some internal peace, so that the family and I can have some ourselves.

Moving Again

We are moving again. In just a few days our lives will become a complete upheaval and we will move out of this home and into a new one. My husband has convinced himself this move is necessary to help us all.

I am not so sure that is the case. We move WAY, WAY, WAY too much and each time we move, we end up with a new house and the same old problems. I recognize that these problems are internal, within us all, but he doesn't.

I have noticed with him lately that the more he drinks, the more he seems to become dissatisfied with his life, and he pinpoints that on to his home. I am so very tired today of all this CHAOS! It seems so simple to stop this insanity, he could take his meds and they may help him feel more stable and level. But he won't, he says he will, he says he does, but often he doesn't.

The upside for me of moving is the home is much bigger than what we are living in now. The yard is huge and surrounded by woods. It will give the children so much more room to run and play and enjoy life. Though I am not excited about this move, I think it's time to for me to accept it and make the most of it.

Alcoholism

While alcoholism and bipolar disorder often go hand in hand, it can be very difficult living with someone who suffers from one, let alone both.



Alcohol intensifies the affects of bipolar disorder, often substituting the need for medication and becoming a self-medication of it's own. When an individual with Bipolar Disorder is on medication it can work wonders for them, but if they are drinking while on the medication, it can have very bad and reverse affects, often times negating the effects of the medicine, thus causing the person to feel the need to drink more often to feel better.



Alcoholism is by itself a very defeating and painful disease that affects the lives of not just the drinker, but everyone that has a relationship with the drinker. It is important for those that in a relationship to seek knowledge and education about both the drinker and the disease to help them from becoming overly consumed with the problems of the drinker. It's so very easy to become obsessed with what the affected person does, how much they drink, how often, that we soon begin to lose ourselves. It's also very difficult to let go and seek inside ourselves our own strength to support ourselves. If we do not do this, we will become as sick as the drinker is.

Al-Anon is a great beginning for someone who is finding too much of their life consumed by the alcoholic in their life. To find a local Al-Anon meeting near you visit:www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Most Recent Trouble With the Law

Most recently MDH was sentenced to 18 months probation and 6 months ISP (intensive supervised probation) for an infraction that happened between the two of us after he had been drinking for well over 14 hours.

The long and short is that he came home so bombed he knew not where he was, who I was or what was happening around him. This resulted in a very bad night that is still continuing on.

Most often when MDH drinks he likes to argue and generally I am his 1st or only choice for that argument. On the night of the incident, I didn't want to argue, so I snuck out the back door as he entered the front door and waited for him to pass out. I personally thought this was a very smart move and was secretly quite proud of myself for devising such a clever plan that would prevent a long night, how naive was I?

Though MDH was passed out when I entered my home, he wasn't down for the count, once he came too he was completely lost, irrated and scared, which resulted in a violent display of temper and aggression on his end. He did not know where he was, who I was or what was happening, he was completely blacked out. He was breathing heavy, sweating profusely, pale and his pulse was racing, I ended up calling the cops for fear not of my safety but his own. He was completely out of control. He punched a light and sliced his hand up quite good. I was truly lucky he didn't find it fit to go after me and become violent with me, instead he took it out on the furniture and surroundings.

This unfortunately for him resulted in a charge of Domestic Violence. In our state, he does not have to physically assault me, but rather act agressively in front of me to be charged with Domestic Violence.

His charge has been a blessing and curse. MDH has begun to realize that he can not drink, though I know his battle with the brown bottle is long from over, he has been sentenced by the Courts to Probabtion and ISP that doesn't just control him, but rather our entire family. The upside is that while on ISP he can not drink or he risks going back to jail and serving his jail time of 60 days with possiblity of repeating ISP after.

I am hoping in the end all of this will have been for something and not nothing and the long term affects of the charges and hardship will have a positive effect on our family.

Trouble with the Law

It often surprises me how many people get into trouble with the law and no one looks deeper into their lives to see if there may be an underlying cause that assists them with the trouble they may be frequently getting into.

Early in my relationship with and my husband before he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, though suspected of a drinking problem, he was frequently getting into minor scuffles with the law. Most were very minor, though inconvenient, with only one that could have been disastrous. During that time he was thought to be good for nothing and worthless. His parents had virtually given up on him and his relationship with is siblings and children was very strained to say the least. He drank a lot and came and went in a very selfish manner, seemingly to have no care in the world for anyone by himself.

What no one understood then and some still don't understand now, is that his drinking wasn't a selfish disrespect of other's feelings, but rather a selfish form of escape and a way to deal with a problem he didn't know existed and feelings he didn't know how to handle.

During the time he was most seriously in trouble with the law, we still didn't know of his diagnosis, but I was beginning to suspect something wasn't quite right. I had begun to do a lot of reading and research into my husband's symptoms and strange paranoia. It was the paranoia that got him into trouble with the law that night.

MDH had stopped at a local bar that evening to have a beer and a bite to eat, he was also met there by one of his ex-girlfriends, suspecting that I or her boyfriend would be jealous or cause trouble he left fairly quickly. Upon pulling out of the bar, he noticed he was being followed very closely by a car he couldn't identify. His paranoia led him to believe it was someone either myself or the other had sent to hunt him down for whatever reason. He began to speed up and eventually floored his car into a corner lot and ran from his persuer, what he didn't realize or failed to notice (though to this day he stays too his story of no lights) was that he was being followed by an officer of the law, who intentionally intended to pull him over and inform him he had a taillight out.

MDH was eventually found and charged with Fleeing and Alluding. Due to a miracle of God and some good Defense work, it was eventually drooped down to a traffic infraction and had no long lasting significant damage to him or our family. Though his parents and siblings were anything but supportive or understanding about the whole incident. They chalked it off as worthlessness again and continued to treat him as someone they must tolerate, rather than someone to whom they would wish to be around.

It was at this time that I began to suspect he may have bi-polar and began to pray alot. He didn't want to hear it, but did seek out a counselor to begin addressing his ADD. It was still a long time before he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, but we were on the right road.

His troubles with the law have never quite ended, he still gets speeding tickets (though thankfully those are getting fewer and further between, knock on wood) and has recently gotten into trouble resulting in Intensive Supervised Probabtion, but we know understand a little bit more of what makes him tick and why he is so prone to trouble and how to better help him.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day provides us the opportunity to sit down and be thankful for so many things.

The ability to remember those that served our country and protected our peace and our freedom are a great way to celebrate the day.

But take today not just to remember those that have served the country, but all those that have in some way paved the way for our lives to be better today than they were decades ago. Remember the pioneers of medicine, politics, parenting and war. Remember the people that have changed your lives...........from grandparents to teachers, counselors to friends. It doesn't matter who made the difference, take a minute to remember them and be thankful for them and if they are here to thank, call them or send an email, tell them how much you appreciate them and how much you value the difference in they made in your life. And if there isn't a person that you can think to remember..........remember the troops that are currently fighting overseas to protect the country that we all love and believe in.

Whether you believe in this war or not believe in those that are risking their lives everyday for they believe in America and remember them today for the hard work they are doing wherever they are!

To the veterans in my life......I thank you!!
Morris Vine Johnson Army
James Edward Curtis USMC
Derek Jay Childs Army

Little Things

The little things in life are what seem to make worth the effort.

My husband is often hard pressed to relax and to smile, so when the opportunity comes that I can bask in his glorious smile and hear the music of his laughter, I am grateful. This doesn't usually happen over big things, but it's the littlest of things that can make him light up and make my day.

Today one of those little things happened. We were invited to join my brother in law on his little boat. It was a beautiful day filled with the sweet smells of spring and abundant sunshine, the the temperature was a little on the cool side. We gathered up our sweatshirts and hit the water. After being out on the boat for about an hour, I began to see my husbands shoulders relax and the muscles in his face and forehead soften and I began to relax. The kids laughed and sang and enjoyed the spray of water hitting their faces and we all began to have fun. On the way back to the docks, my brother in law turned the wheel of the boat over to my husband. As we arrived at the docks, we were met by three of the most unusual ducks I had ever seen and they were also quite determined to keep our boat in the water. We veered left, they veered left, we veered right, they veered right, it became a game and soon every single one of us were laughing absurdly. This went on for a little while, until our two year old discovered the magic to moving the ducks out of the way, Peanut Butter and Chocolate crackers! Though that lasted only long enough to get the boat to the dock. We still had to struggle with the ducks to get the boat out of the water, but the crackers did help there too! After we got the boat out of the water, we continued to feed the ducks the remainder of the crackers and laugh at the pure silliness of the situation.

As we told the story today, my husbands shoulders relaxed and he smiled and laughed like a child, something so small, yet so important.

Being Thankful

When you live with or love someone that suffers from a dual diagnosis, it can be increasingly difficult to find things to be thankful for.

Dealing with a disease(s) such as bipolar and alcohol addiction can be draining and time consuming. Some days can feel like they will never end and nothing good is in the horizon. Some days you can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and your world is forever darkened by the clouds of frustration and despair. It is during these times that it is most important to look deeper and find something, no matter how trivial, to be thankful for.

Taking the time to unburden the stress and rejoice in the good can be what makes the difference between surviving the day with your mind in tact and merely getting through another day.

Make a list everyday of something you are thankful for and add to it as needed. Don't worry about whether or not another person would view it as meaningful, what matters is you. Some days I am simply thankful that I am breathing, other days it may be more.

No matter how difficult it can seem, taking a moment to be thankful for something good, will help break apart those dark clouds and allow rays of sunshine in.

Today I am thankful for:
My family
My Health
My Blog
My Breath
The beauty in flowers.
The innocence of children.
Hope
The chance to do it better tomorrow.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a complicated mental illness. As if just dealing with bipolar isn't enough the experts in the mental health field have added classes of bipolar for those of us affected by bipolar whether it's personally or through a loved one.

Bipolar I :
This category is usually referred to as the worst of the bipolar classifications. The characteristics of Bipolar I are defined by one or more mixed episodes of mania, followed by sever depression. The difference between bipolar I mania and that of bipolar II is the severity of the mania and the depression. The mania is often accompanied with psychotic behaviors (not found by definition in bipolar II) such as: hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, psychosis and negativity.

Bipolar II:
Essentially bipolar II is categorized as one or more depressive episodes, followed by hypomania, not mania. Hypomania simply put means that though they have the same symptoms as mania, they are to a lesser degree and don't include psychotic behaviors as found in bipolar I.

Cyclothymia:
This is broken down into a long term illness, one that is much more rapid in the cycling. It also means that the mania or hypomania does not include the psychotic behavior, though it can be severe and the depression doesn't include suicidal thoughts, though it can also be severe. Cyclothymic Disorder means simply that the person is never quite symptom free from either the mania or depression, and if they are, they will swing back to one within two months.

As more is learned about bipolar, more subclassifications are making their way out to the public.

***The information provided above is meant to inform, not diagnosis. If you have questions as the whether you may have bipolar, seek the advice a medical professional, they are qualified to treat and diagnose. ****

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder (manic depression) is a disease that affects a persons mood and generally causes rapids mood swings. People affected with bipolar disorder can experience extreme highs (mania) and extreme lows (depression). Moods can also fall anywhere in between. People who suffer from bipolar disorder that are untreated or undiagnosed, often feel out of control. Their family often feels helpless.

Bipolar disorder symptoms generally start in the 20's, though studies are now showing signs in children and teens. Both men and women are equally likely to develop this disease, though men are less likely to seek help and treatment, if they do they are less likely to stick with the treatment program, often going on and off, which can increase the intensity and frequency of mood swings.

Signs and symptoms common to individuals in a manic phase of bipolar are:

• Overly Excitable
• Careless Spending
• Careless Sex / Increased sex drive
  
• Excessive use of alcohol or drugs
• Feeling of being on top of the world
• Lack of Sleep - needing much less than is normal
• Emotional Detachment and lack of consideration for other
• Lack of control/ concentration
  

While not all of these symptoms may occur, these are typical signs. Each individual is different experiences different side effects of manic episodes. It is generally during this episode that an individual can experience relationship troubles in the for of detachment and adultery, financial troubles and troubles with the law.

Periods of mania can last for days, weeks and in some cases for months at a time. In some individuals they have rapid cycling episodes of mania and depression. This means that they experience at least four, maybe even more episodes of mania within a year (12 months).

The depression phase of bipolar, in many ways mimics that of the manic phase, though the signs and symptoms are different.

• Excessive sleeping or insomnia
• Irritability/ intense anger/ worry
• Loss of concern with self and others
• Loss of interest in activities
• Lack of sex drive
• Feelings of loathing and self-hate
• Loss of pleasure
• Increased anxiety
• Loss of appetite

Though these symptoms again, are just a general characteristic they are a good base to watch out for. Individuals suffering from a depression episode can have the same type of negative effect on their lives. They may suffer from financial problems, though for different reasons. An individual in a depression may call into work and lose income, where they excessively and recklessly spend in a manic episode. Depression can also lead to relationship struggles as the person regresses shutting out their loved one. Suicide is another important consideration when the person hits a depression, their risk greatly increases.

A diagnosis of bipolar disorder can feel like a life sentence for both the individual and their loved ones, but it doesn't have to be. With treatment, knowledge and patience an individual can overcome cycling mood swings and lead a productive life. Though statistically 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce with a diagnosis of bipolar, it doesn't have to happen. The spouse of an individual with bipolar needs to be strong, stable and knowledgeable of the disease and they can help bring the marriage and relationship to a stable medium.

Though the road may never be totally smooth and the path may always have bumps both the individual and the family can have a positive and productive relationship.

***The information provided above is meant to inform, not diagnosis. If you have questions as the whether you may have bipolar, seek the advice a medical professional, they are qualified to treat and diagnose. ****

Symbolic Garden

Today was truly a great day.

We planted a garden together, the first in our marriage or family. My husband is incredibly proud of this, and I am too. The kids just wanted to dig and they did, usually though it didn't offer much help.

I am really proud of him right now. He hasn't drank, and I know his problem with the courts is a big part of it, but still I am proud. I know it takes a lot for him to refrain, especially when all of his friends drink, therefore isolating him from everyone but his family.

I think the garden is a symbol and a way to nurture, since he can no longer nurture the brown bottle. It's symbolic because it is all new and fresh. We can grow this garden and make it flourish, a way to help wash away the past hurts, to start anew. I do hope it produces, I am afraid of what that will symbolize.

Our garden has a little bit of everything, corn, tomatoes, lettace and radishes. Watermelon and cantalope, cucumbers and carrots. If this garden does produce, we will have a very happy rabbit.

I watch him put all his energy into the house, garden and vehicles and I still worry a little. The court system is forcing him to quit drinking, but I truly hope he can pick up new habits that will enable him to stay sober when he is know longer controlled by the system.

Tomorrow is another day of promise, today was a day of peace, for now that is enough.

The first nine months................

The first nine months of my marriage to my husband were filled with much anxiety and struggle. We were married fairly quick, it seemed both of us knew what we wanted for we had both been through a couple of relationships that taught us what we didn't want. But what we didn't know at the time of our nuptials, was how difficult it would be to express our desires to each other and to ourselves.

Both of us were terrified, after the first few weeks of marriage, reality set in and we both got scared. It didn't help that I was pregnant at the time with our first child together. My husband retreated to partying heavily and I retreated into depression. Even during the long torturous months of my pregnancy, I never once thought he might have issues deeper than a new and pregnant wife. I was terrified of the marriage situation and having another baby, so understandably I could sense he would be too. His job record wasn't too good, but then neither was mine, so that didn't send up any red flags either. The only thought I could see at the time is that the marriage was a mistake.

Just before our son was born, I contacted a lawyer and inquired about a divorce. I tracked my husband down at a party house where he had been hiding out and told him that I felt we had made a mistake, it seemed that was the only thing obvious. He would disappear for days on end and I would cry. After I told him that I was okay with walking away and that I held no ill will towards him I kissed his cheek, said good-bye and headed home with the intent to file for divorce in the morning and move on with my life, letting him move on with his.

Thankfully someone upstairs didn't intend for this to happen........................

Many hours after I returned home and after I was already in bed, my husband burst through the door. He threw himself into my arms and wept like a baby. We talked well into the night (or at least until I left for the hospital due to the beginning of labor) and we worked through a lot of our fears, this was the defining moment in our marriage and the one that solidified my original thought that we were meant to be.

A little about us................

Since this is new, I should give any potential reader a little insight into our lives.

I am married to a wonderful man who suffers from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, thus he is classified under dual diagnosis. My husband and I have been married for going on seven years now. And our marriage has been anything but "happily ever after". Going into the marriage, I wasn't naive, I knew it would have it's problems, what I didn't know is how many or how devastating the road ahead would be.

When I married my husband, neither of us knew about the bipolar and I didn't yet suspect a drinking problem. We were in our mid-twenties and partying was still a semi-normal aspect of our lives. I thought then the biggest difficulties would be blending our seperate families into one and creating additional members together........how naive I was there. Together we have seven children, four of them live with us and three of them are spread out. Two we see on long week-ends, one we aren't good enough to see (again.....this will come up later). The four that live with us are mine (one) and ours (three). We do our best to provide a normal environment for these children, despite the constant effort of others to stop that.

Over the last seven years we have experienced more than our fair share of tribulations and very few triumphs, but here I will as I always have remain hopeful that this torturously bumpy road we travel will eventually smooth it's way out into a smooth road enabling a joyous stroll for us and our family.