Memorial Day

Memorial Day provides us the opportunity to sit down and be thankful for so many things.

The ability to remember those that served our country and protected our peace and our freedom are a great way to celebrate the day.

But take today not just to remember those that have served the country, but all those that have in some way paved the way for our lives to be better today than they were decades ago. Remember the pioneers of medicine, politics, parenting and war. Remember the people that have changed your lives...........from grandparents to teachers, counselors to friends. It doesn't matter who made the difference, take a minute to remember them and be thankful for them and if they are here to thank, call them or send an email, tell them how much you appreciate them and how much you value the difference in they made in your life. And if there isn't a person that you can think to remember..........remember the troops that are currently fighting overseas to protect the country that we all love and believe in.

Whether you believe in this war or not believe in those that are risking their lives everyday for they believe in America and remember them today for the hard work they are doing wherever they are!

To the veterans in my life......I thank you!!
Morris Vine Johnson Army
James Edward Curtis USMC
Derek Jay Childs Army

Little Things

The little things in life are what seem to make worth the effort.

My husband is often hard pressed to relax and to smile, so when the opportunity comes that I can bask in his glorious smile and hear the music of his laughter, I am grateful. This doesn't usually happen over big things, but it's the littlest of things that can make him light up and make my day.

Today one of those little things happened. We were invited to join my brother in law on his little boat. It was a beautiful day filled with the sweet smells of spring and abundant sunshine, the the temperature was a little on the cool side. We gathered up our sweatshirts and hit the water. After being out on the boat for about an hour, I began to see my husbands shoulders relax and the muscles in his face and forehead soften and I began to relax. The kids laughed and sang and enjoyed the spray of water hitting their faces and we all began to have fun. On the way back to the docks, my brother in law turned the wheel of the boat over to my husband. As we arrived at the docks, we were met by three of the most unusual ducks I had ever seen and they were also quite determined to keep our boat in the water. We veered left, they veered left, we veered right, they veered right, it became a game and soon every single one of us were laughing absurdly. This went on for a little while, until our two year old discovered the magic to moving the ducks out of the way, Peanut Butter and Chocolate crackers! Though that lasted only long enough to get the boat to the dock. We still had to struggle with the ducks to get the boat out of the water, but the crackers did help there too! After we got the boat out of the water, we continued to feed the ducks the remainder of the crackers and laugh at the pure silliness of the situation.

As we told the story today, my husbands shoulders relaxed and he smiled and laughed like a child, something so small, yet so important.

Being Thankful

When you live with or love someone that suffers from a dual diagnosis, it can be increasingly difficult to find things to be thankful for.

Dealing with a disease(s) such as bipolar and alcohol addiction can be draining and time consuming. Some days can feel like they will never end and nothing good is in the horizon. Some days you can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and your world is forever darkened by the clouds of frustration and despair. It is during these times that it is most important to look deeper and find something, no matter how trivial, to be thankful for.

Taking the time to unburden the stress and rejoice in the good can be what makes the difference between surviving the day with your mind in tact and merely getting through another day.

Make a list everyday of something you are thankful for and add to it as needed. Don't worry about whether or not another person would view it as meaningful, what matters is you. Some days I am simply thankful that I am breathing, other days it may be more.

No matter how difficult it can seem, taking a moment to be thankful for something good, will help break apart those dark clouds and allow rays of sunshine in.

Today I am thankful for:
My family
My Health
My Blog
My Breath
The beauty in flowers.
The innocence of children.
Hope
The chance to do it better tomorrow.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a complicated mental illness. As if just dealing with bipolar isn't enough the experts in the mental health field have added classes of bipolar for those of us affected by bipolar whether it's personally or through a loved one.

Bipolar I :
This category is usually referred to as the worst of the bipolar classifications. The characteristics of Bipolar I are defined by one or more mixed episodes of mania, followed by sever depression. The difference between bipolar I mania and that of bipolar II is the severity of the mania and the depression. The mania is often accompanied with psychotic behaviors (not found by definition in bipolar II) such as: hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, psychosis and negativity.

Bipolar II:
Essentially bipolar II is categorized as one or more depressive episodes, followed by hypomania, not mania. Hypomania simply put means that though they have the same symptoms as mania, they are to a lesser degree and don't include psychotic behaviors as found in bipolar I.

Cyclothymia:
This is broken down into a long term illness, one that is much more rapid in the cycling. It also means that the mania or hypomania does not include the psychotic behavior, though it can be severe and the depression doesn't include suicidal thoughts, though it can also be severe. Cyclothymic Disorder means simply that the person is never quite symptom free from either the mania or depression, and if they are, they will swing back to one within two months.

As more is learned about bipolar, more subclassifications are making their way out to the public.

***The information provided above is meant to inform, not diagnosis. If you have questions as the whether you may have bipolar, seek the advice a medical professional, they are qualified to treat and diagnose. ****

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder (manic depression) is a disease that affects a persons mood and generally causes rapids mood swings. People affected with bipolar disorder can experience extreme highs (mania) and extreme lows (depression). Moods can also fall anywhere in between. People who suffer from bipolar disorder that are untreated or undiagnosed, often feel out of control. Their family often feels helpless.

Bipolar disorder symptoms generally start in the 20's, though studies are now showing signs in children and teens. Both men and women are equally likely to develop this disease, though men are less likely to seek help and treatment, if they do they are less likely to stick with the treatment program, often going on and off, which can increase the intensity and frequency of mood swings.

Signs and symptoms common to individuals in a manic phase of bipolar are:

• Overly Excitable
• Careless Spending
• Careless Sex / Increased sex drive
  
• Excessive use of alcohol or drugs
• Feeling of being on top of the world
• Lack of Sleep - needing much less than is normal
• Emotional Detachment and lack of consideration for other
• Lack of control/ concentration
  

While not all of these symptoms may occur, these are typical signs. Each individual is different experiences different side effects of manic episodes. It is generally during this episode that an individual can experience relationship troubles in the for of detachment and adultery, financial troubles and troubles with the law.

Periods of mania can last for days, weeks and in some cases for months at a time. In some individuals they have rapid cycling episodes of mania and depression. This means that they experience at least four, maybe even more episodes of mania within a year (12 months).

The depression phase of bipolar, in many ways mimics that of the manic phase, though the signs and symptoms are different.

• Excessive sleeping or insomnia
• Irritability/ intense anger/ worry
• Loss of concern with self and others
• Loss of interest in activities
• Lack of sex drive
• Feelings of loathing and self-hate
• Loss of pleasure
• Increased anxiety
• Loss of appetite

Though these symptoms again, are just a general characteristic they are a good base to watch out for. Individuals suffering from a depression episode can have the same type of negative effect on their lives. They may suffer from financial problems, though for different reasons. An individual in a depression may call into work and lose income, where they excessively and recklessly spend in a manic episode. Depression can also lead to relationship struggles as the person regresses shutting out their loved one. Suicide is another important consideration when the person hits a depression, their risk greatly increases.

A diagnosis of bipolar disorder can feel like a life sentence for both the individual and their loved ones, but it doesn't have to be. With treatment, knowledge and patience an individual can overcome cycling mood swings and lead a productive life. Though statistically 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce with a diagnosis of bipolar, it doesn't have to happen. The spouse of an individual with bipolar needs to be strong, stable and knowledgeable of the disease and they can help bring the marriage and relationship to a stable medium.

Though the road may never be totally smooth and the path may always have bumps both the individual and the family can have a positive and productive relationship.

***The information provided above is meant to inform, not diagnosis. If you have questions as the whether you may have bipolar, seek the advice a medical professional, they are qualified to treat and diagnose. ****

Symbolic Garden

Today was truly a great day.

We planted a garden together, the first in our marriage or family. My husband is incredibly proud of this, and I am too. The kids just wanted to dig and they did, usually though it didn't offer much help.

I am really proud of him right now. He hasn't drank, and I know his problem with the courts is a big part of it, but still I am proud. I know it takes a lot for him to refrain, especially when all of his friends drink, therefore isolating him from everyone but his family.

I think the garden is a symbol and a way to nurture, since he can no longer nurture the brown bottle. It's symbolic because it is all new and fresh. We can grow this garden and make it flourish, a way to help wash away the past hurts, to start anew. I do hope it produces, I am afraid of what that will symbolize.

Our garden has a little bit of everything, corn, tomatoes, lettace and radishes. Watermelon and cantalope, cucumbers and carrots. If this garden does produce, we will have a very happy rabbit.

I watch him put all his energy into the house, garden and vehicles and I still worry a little. The court system is forcing him to quit drinking, but I truly hope he can pick up new habits that will enable him to stay sober when he is know longer controlled by the system.

Tomorrow is another day of promise, today was a day of peace, for now that is enough.

The first nine months................

The first nine months of my marriage to my husband were filled with much anxiety and struggle. We were married fairly quick, it seemed both of us knew what we wanted for we had both been through a couple of relationships that taught us what we didn't want. But what we didn't know at the time of our nuptials, was how difficult it would be to express our desires to each other and to ourselves.

Both of us were terrified, after the first few weeks of marriage, reality set in and we both got scared. It didn't help that I was pregnant at the time with our first child together. My husband retreated to partying heavily and I retreated into depression. Even during the long torturous months of my pregnancy, I never once thought he might have issues deeper than a new and pregnant wife. I was terrified of the marriage situation and having another baby, so understandably I could sense he would be too. His job record wasn't too good, but then neither was mine, so that didn't send up any red flags either. The only thought I could see at the time is that the marriage was a mistake.

Just before our son was born, I contacted a lawyer and inquired about a divorce. I tracked my husband down at a party house where he had been hiding out and told him that I felt we had made a mistake, it seemed that was the only thing obvious. He would disappear for days on end and I would cry. After I told him that I was okay with walking away and that I held no ill will towards him I kissed his cheek, said good-bye and headed home with the intent to file for divorce in the morning and move on with my life, letting him move on with his.

Thankfully someone upstairs didn't intend for this to happen........................

Many hours after I returned home and after I was already in bed, my husband burst through the door. He threw himself into my arms and wept like a baby. We talked well into the night (or at least until I left for the hospital due to the beginning of labor) and we worked through a lot of our fears, this was the defining moment in our marriage and the one that solidified my original thought that we were meant to be.

A little about us................

Since this is new, I should give any potential reader a little insight into our lives.

I am married to a wonderful man who suffers from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, thus he is classified under dual diagnosis. My husband and I have been married for going on seven years now. And our marriage has been anything but "happily ever after". Going into the marriage, I wasn't naive, I knew it would have it's problems, what I didn't know is how many or how devastating the road ahead would be.

When I married my husband, neither of us knew about the bipolar and I didn't yet suspect a drinking problem. We were in our mid-twenties and partying was still a semi-normal aspect of our lives. I thought then the biggest difficulties would be blending our seperate families into one and creating additional members together........how naive I was there. Together we have seven children, four of them live with us and three of them are spread out. Two we see on long week-ends, one we aren't good enough to see (again.....this will come up later). The four that live with us are mine (one) and ours (three). We do our best to provide a normal environment for these children, despite the constant effort of others to stop that.

Over the last seven years we have experienced more than our fair share of tribulations and very few triumphs, but here I will as I always have remain hopeful that this torturously bumpy road we travel will eventually smooth it's way out into a smooth road enabling a joyous stroll for us and our family.