As the spouse to a person with a dual diagnosis, I know it is so incredibly important for me to have an outlet and something to call my own, a hobby, a passion a release. But, when my spouse is so sick, it can be next to impossible to achieve that.
I have a passion for photography, though I am not able often to nourish that passion. As of late I have been cleaning up so many messes that MDH has created. For alcoholics, this would be enabling, for dual diagnosis, I don't know what it is. I often think that if we didn't have children living in this chaos, then I would leave us both to drown in his messes. But as a mother, I have to make their lives as close to normal and peaceful as possible, so I clean up the mess.
His drinking is increasing and I am scared. The ISP officer does not strike me as a stupid woman, and I know at some point she is going to double check him. For now he waits to drink until she comes and leaves, then he is off to his happy place, in the garage with the stereo cranked. Though he is not drinking everyday as he once did, he is drinking weekly and on Probabtion and ISP that is too much!
But I have gotten off the subject of this post, which is to nurture yourself and find an outlet for yourself. Whatever the outlet, make sure you give yourself something to deflect from the chaos you live in everyday. Read, Write, Journal, Knit, Sing, Sew, Walk, Run, Photograph, Paint, it really doesn't matter, just do something for yourself. Give yourself your own happy place so that you can destress and reenergize to deal with the messes you are sure to have dumped on your lap.
Pathway's of Life
There is always more than one and neither is ever clear.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Moved In
We have setteled into our new home. The move was quick and utterly chaotic. Once my husband makes a decision to "change", he throws everything in a truck and hauls it to the new place. Often stuff isn't boxed or organized, just bagged and thrown in the truck. I discovered my toilet bowl brush in with my dishes! YUCK!
I have been doing a lot of reflecting since this move and though I like this house, with it's hardwood flooring and unique doors, I am not comfortable with this move. MDH thinks that this move will fix everything and I am pretty sure it will not change a thing in our lives. I believe we have to change those things. I am utterly helpless to change them when he is living within a delusional bubble. I brought up his meds again and WHOA! was that a mistake.
The move isn't going to remove him from Probabtion or take him off ISP. This move is also not going to cure his need or desire to drink. Though he has been on probabion, he has snuck in a beer or two and I know that if this continues, he will end up in jail. But I am utterly helpless at the moment. I can see him and feel him spinning out of control, but I can't reach him.
To him this move (like the others) will make everything okay. Several years ago we moved away from our town and lived about an hour away. We were incredibly happy. Our lives were calm, serene and as close to perfect as you can get. MDH didn't drink a drop, he didn't desire too. He was incredibly involved in his family and with me. We enjoyed a lot of good times together, snowmobiling in winter, mudding in spring, all the kids were happy, except the oldest, she terribly missed her grandparents and cousins. We moved back and continued for a couple of years to enjoy the same style of life. MDH thinks that the move away was the salvation (which is why we move so much, he is constantly looking for that salvation), he doesn't realize that during those years he was so much more content as a result of being on his medication.
Our lives didn't begin to fall apart and he didn't begin drinking until months after he went off his meds (through no fault of his own, an insurance glitch and lack of a spare $1500 a month to cover his meds took him off). It was early spring 2006 when he stared drinking again, at the time he could have affordably gone back on his meds. As he began to internally spin out of control, he reached for a bottle instead of the phone and the doctor and he has been spinning since.
I can only pray at this point, something in the move helps to calm him and bring him some internal peace, so that the family and I can have some ourselves.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting since this move and though I like this house, with it's hardwood flooring and unique doors, I am not comfortable with this move. MDH thinks that this move will fix everything and I am pretty sure it will not change a thing in our lives. I believe we have to change those things. I am utterly helpless to change them when he is living within a delusional bubble. I brought up his meds again and WHOA! was that a mistake.
The move isn't going to remove him from Probabtion or take him off ISP. This move is also not going to cure his need or desire to drink. Though he has been on probabion, he has snuck in a beer or two and I know that if this continues, he will end up in jail. But I am utterly helpless at the moment. I can see him and feel him spinning out of control, but I can't reach him.
To him this move (like the others) will make everything okay. Several years ago we moved away from our town and lived about an hour away. We were incredibly happy. Our lives were calm, serene and as close to perfect as you can get. MDH didn't drink a drop, he didn't desire too. He was incredibly involved in his family and with me. We enjoyed a lot of good times together, snowmobiling in winter, mudding in spring, all the kids were happy, except the oldest, she terribly missed her grandparents and cousins. We moved back and continued for a couple of years to enjoy the same style of life. MDH thinks that the move away was the salvation (which is why we move so much, he is constantly looking for that salvation), he doesn't realize that during those years he was so much more content as a result of being on his medication.
Our lives didn't begin to fall apart and he didn't begin drinking until months after he went off his meds (through no fault of his own, an insurance glitch and lack of a spare $1500 a month to cover his meds took him off). It was early spring 2006 when he stared drinking again, at the time he could have affordably gone back on his meds. As he began to internally spin out of control, he reached for a bottle instead of the phone and the doctor and he has been spinning since.
I can only pray at this point, something in the move helps to calm him and bring him some internal peace, so that the family and I can have some ourselves.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Moving Again
We are moving again. In just a few days our lives will become a complete upheaval and we will move out of this home and into a new one. My husband has convinced himself this move is necessary to help us all.
I am not so sure that is the case. We move WAY, WAY, WAY too much and each time we move, we end up with a new house and the same old problems. I recognize that these problems are internal, within us all, but he doesn't.
I have noticed with him lately that the more he drinks, the more he seems to become dissatisfied with his life, and he pinpoints that on to his home. I am so very tired today of all this CHAOS! It seems so simple to stop this insanity, he could take his meds and they may help him feel more stable and level. But he won't, he says he will, he says he does, but often he doesn't.
The upside for me of moving is the home is much bigger than what we are living in now. The yard is huge and surrounded by woods. It will give the children so much more room to run and play and enjoy life. Though I am not excited about this move, I think it's time to for me to accept it and make the most of it.
I am not so sure that is the case. We move WAY, WAY, WAY too much and each time we move, we end up with a new house and the same old problems. I recognize that these problems are internal, within us all, but he doesn't.
I have noticed with him lately that the more he drinks, the more he seems to become dissatisfied with his life, and he pinpoints that on to his home. I am so very tired today of all this CHAOS! It seems so simple to stop this insanity, he could take his meds and they may help him feel more stable and level. But he won't, he says he will, he says he does, but often he doesn't.
The upside for me of moving is the home is much bigger than what we are living in now. The yard is huge and surrounded by woods. It will give the children so much more room to run and play and enjoy life. Though I am not excited about this move, I think it's time to for me to accept it and make the most of it.
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